Crush It on Linked In

''Can You Crush It On LinkedIn Before Aliens Invade From Another Dimension?'' You're an independent marketing SEO specialist and thought leader. You founded SEO Bleedwagon, a company on the bleeding edge of SEO, so you know you're a maverick. You have to crush it on LinkedIn today to keep your algorithm tight. But you get a news alert that a dimensional rift has opened above downtown, and strange creatures from an alien world are swarming through it. What do you do? [[Flee The City]] [[Stay Home and Crush It On LinkedIn]] (set: $post to false) (set: $fleethecity to false) (set: $dickrating to 0) (set: $delay to false)

(set: $fleethecity to true) You pack a few important belongings along with your grandmother's wedding ring in case you have to barter it for fresh water in a destroyed world, and pile into your Tesla Y-series. You drive onto a freeway packed with panicked citizens fleeing the growing rift, and the tentacled beasts entering our country through it without proper immigration papers. As you idle in bumper to bumper traffic, you wonder if this would be a good time to crush it using LinkedIn's mobile app. [[Compose a LinkedIn Post On Your Phone]]

You sit down at your laptop and open your browser. The noise of sirens and helicopters is getting louder outside of your window, along with an unearthly insectoid buzz growing ever louder. You navigate to LinkedIn to prepare to absolutely crush it with your post. [[Compose a Post for LinkedIn]] [[See What Your Fellow Entrepreneurs Are Posting]] (set: $dickrating to $dickrating +1)

(set: $post to true)You don't wait for the world to reach out and meet you, you put the "pro" in proactive, and the "peak" in peak-performance. But there's so much you could tell the world of LinkedIn about everything you're crushing. What should you post? [[Post a Pic of Yourself at SEO-Con With Celebrity Guest Alan Ritchson TV's Jack Reacher]] [[Post About a Recent Success]] [[Post a 500 Word Thought Piece on How Aliens Make SEO More Relevant Than Ever]] [[Raise an Alarm About the Aliens]]

As you look over the success stories, you see very few people posting about alien invasion of hideous tentacled creatures bleeding through from another dimension. Mostly it's boasts about raising sell-through by over 150% in one quarter, and pictures of colleagues with people more successful than you. Sadly, it appears everyone else is crushing it more than you are. [[Compose a Post for LinkedIn]] [[Flee The City]]

(set: $post to "reacher") Wow! What a pic you have posing with Alan Ritchson at SEO-CON. Who wouldn't be envious of seeing you rubbing elbows with TV's Jack Reacher? You think about how to present this amazing moment in your professional life. [[Humble Brag About Meeting Jack Reacher]] [[Hardcore Brag About Meeting Jack Reacher]]

(set: $post to "alarm") You decide you should raise the alarm about the aliens invading our dimension with your fellow LinkedIn friends. You stop and think about how. [[Humble Brag About the Alien Invasion]] [[Hardcore Brag About the Alien Invasion]] [[Blog Your Fear About the Alien Invasion]]

(set: $post to "success") Recently you got the owner of an Amish pastry shop to hire SEO Bleedwagon to optimize his website. How do you want to tell the LinkedIn world? [[Humble Brag About This Success]] [[Hardcore Brag About This Success]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 1) "How lucky I've been to see the opening of the sky and the thousands of aliens swarming through to destroy our world. I know in these changing times we should all take this moment to appreciate what we have and flee for our lives." [[POST]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 2) "People said I should stop watching the skies, but nobody's saying that now! As the founder of SEO Bleedwagon, I was one of the first to see the aliens coming to destroy us. This is the bleeding edge I surf on. Find out how you can make this work for your business and increase your sellthrough by over 50% in the first six months". [[POST]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 1) Wow! What a time at SEO-Con! Catching up with all my SEO friends, and actually rubbing elbows with TV's Jack Reacher, Alan Ritchson! He didn't even get mad when I accidentally said he wasn't Tom Cruise! Good times! Good Optimization!" [[POST]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 2) "Who got two thumbs and met TV's Jack Reacher at SEO-Con? THIS GUY! And if I can get the guy who's TV's Tom Cruise to smile like that, imagine what I can do for your search engine optimization. Who wants to touch me??" [[POST]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 1) "How lucky and honored I am to be able to welcome a new client to the SEO Bleedwagon team. We'll be guiding Amish Pancake House on their SEO journey to success. Ask me how you can raise your sales by over 200% this quarter!" [[POST]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 2) "When I started SEO Bleedwagon, everyone said I was crazy. You'll never pull this off, they said, but I knew I was onto something they weren't. Now I'm welcoming the Amish Pancake House to our massive roster of clients. Always go with your gut! Suck it, b1thces!" [[POST]]

You click the post button, sure hoping this one crushes it. [[Wonder if You Should Like Your Own Post]] [[Get On With Fleeing For Your Life]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 1) "Taking a moment to compose my thoughts about how lucky I am to be living in a time of such change. When I woke up this morning, everyone thought they knew everything about SEO. It was an open-and-shut book. Now aliens are swarming into our dimension, and SEO is more important than ever! What are *you* neglecting? I'm glad you asked..." [[POST]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 2) "When I told my colleagues that SEO had to change with the times, nobody listened. But now I am the only one to spot how an alien invasion will change our relationship to search engine optimization forever. Listen to me now, and stay on the bleeding edge..." [[POST]]

Since you're stuck in traffic, you pick up your phone and open the LinkedIn app. [[Post About a Recent Success]] [[Post a Pic of Yourself at SEO-Con With Celebrity Guest Alan Ritchson TV's Jack Reacher]] [[Post a 500 Word Thought Piece on How Aliens Make SEO More Relevant Than Ever]] [[Raise an Alarm About the Aliens Encouraging People to Flee]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 0) (set: $post to "goodperson") Are you kidding? Nobody on LinkedIn wants to hear about your anxieties! But you type it anyway. "Hey everyone! Kind of worried about this big rift in the sky with alien creatures pouring out of it. I don't want to judge, but they don't look friendly. And the tentacles are creeping me out. Anyway, you might want to flee. I am. However, even though I am fleeing for my life, I am still available to increase your online sales by 50% in just 30 days. [[POST]]

You drive down a highway now packed with slow moving traffic. You're a few miles out of the city as the road winds through the countryside. Beside you catch the glimpses of other drivers frightened they may not be crushing it on LinkedIn like you are. A column of black smoke rises from somewhere up ahead. In the rear view mirror you see the rift has grown, and is crawling across the sky in a sickening violet. Then traffic grinds to a stop. Get out of the car and [[Go on on Foot]] [[Check Your Linked In Post to See if It's Crushing It Yet]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating+1) You check your post on your phone. You have: 2 Likes You are freakin' miles from crushing it! But you didn't get to be founder of SEO Bleedwagon by letting adversity get in your way. [[Like Your Own Post]] [[Message a Friend and Ask Him to Like Your Post]]

You trudge across the empty landscape, the chaos of the highway slowly receding behind you. Maybe you should have brought some water, or food, or more importantly a way to charge your phone so you can keep checking LinkedIn. You look at your phone and are confronted with a horrifying truth: You no longer have internet connection! YOU HAVE NO WAY OF CHECKING IF YOU'RE CRUSHING IT ON LINKEDIN! [[PANIC]]

You run through the brush until you see two landmarks on the horizon. To the west is a shack. Maybe it has internet. To the east is what looks like an antenna on a hill. Maybe that has internet. [[Go West to the Shack]] [[Go East to the Antenna]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 1) You open LinkedIn Messenger, one of the most vital ways for businesses to communicate. A message from your friend Chank Wigner says, "Dude! Are you seeing this?" and lapses into very not-peak performance ranting. You write back, "Dude! Calm down and like my post. I'll owe you a solid." Hopefully he gets his shit together. [[Go on on Foot]]

Wow. Is this who you are? Liking your own post? Sure. You click "Like" and watch the number go up by one. You better keep walking. [[Go on on Foot]]

You reach an old wooden shack. There are rusted appliances in the yard, and a truck that saw better days in the last century. Also tire tracks where another vehicle seems to have left quickly. The door is ajar. [[Go Inside the Shack]] [[Check Your Phone to See If There's Shack Wifi]]

Up a small rocky desert hill an antenna rises against the horizon. As you get closer its matrix of metal reveals itself to be a cell phone station. What luck! With that perfect signal, you can check your crushing progress and text your friends to like your post! But there's someone up there. From the helmet and the tool belt, it looks like a technician. He'd better not try to stop you from crushing it on LinkedIn. [[Pick Up a Rock and Smash Him on the Head]] [[Ask Him to Like Your Post on LinkedIn]]

Your eyes adjust to the dim light of the shack. On the walls you can see the details of a life emerge. Photos of a soldier posing with this rifle, shaking hands with a general in a middle eastern city. Framed service medals. Then a purple heart. A portrait of a man in a wheelchair flanked by two daughters and a loving wife. A service revolver mounted on a polished oak plaque. Something stirs in the corner. It's a man sitting in a wheelchair, much older than the one in the portrait, with lines of hard wisdom etched into his face. But his expression is dazed, staring into a distance he cannot see. He turns to you and speaks. "You're running away, too? I sent my wife and kids off without me," he says. "I would only slow them down. Jeannie begged me to come, but I said no. So she packed Kylie and Taylor into the pickup and headed inland, cursing me for being a damn fool. I haven't heard anything from them since. I don't know if the phones are out or they just didn't make it, caught in a crush of humans just trying to save their own lives. I suppose I'll never know. "I've seen death. Looked it in the eye and watched it blink back at me while it claimed my buddies standing shoulder to shoulder with me. I'm not afraid of dying, but I couldn't bear to see one more person I love taken from this world while I looked on helpless." [[Ask if There's Anything You Can Do For Him]] [[Ask If You Can Use His WiFi to Check if You're Crushing It on LinkedIn]]

(set: $post to "thoughtpiece") You settle back into your mindspace and think about how you should approach this piece to fully crush it on LinkedIn. [[Humble Brag About Your Insights on Aliens and SEO]] [[Hardcore Brag About Your Insights on Aliens and SEO]]

(set: $post to "alarm") You sit back and wonder how you should approach this. [[Humble Brag About the Alien Invasion]] [[Hardcore Brag About the Alien Invasion]] [[Blog Your Fear About the Alien Invasion]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 1) You look at your phone. There's a network named "Make WiFi Great Again," but it requires a password and you can't log in. [[Go Inside the Shack]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating -2) He asks if you might hand him the service pistol he has mounted on the wall. [[Hand Him the Service Pistol]] [[Ask If You Can Use His WiFi to Check if You're Crushing It on LinkedIn]] before he shoots himself

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 2) The noble veteran looks at you like you're made of human excrement, then says only if you hand him his service pistol mounted on the wall first. [[Hand Him the Service Pistol]] Forget this and Leave to [[Go East to the Antenna]]

You lift the 9mm pistol from its frame on the wall and hand it to him. "Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me, you might want to step outside." He pauses, then adds, "The wifi password is tednugent1776, all lower case." You step outside to check LinkedIn. You are starting to crush it a little, but haven't crushed it yet. [[Go Back Inside and Ask If He'll Like Your Post]] [[Go East to the Antenna]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating +2) You hesitate for a moment. Is it bad to like your own post? Then you decide: Hell no! Work that algorithm, bro! And with a mighty click you send yourself on your way to CRUSHING IT! [[Get On With Fleeing For Your Life]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 1) You enter to see the veteran holding a pistol to his head. He sees you and his face overflows with emotion. "You came back? I thought at the end of this crazy world nobody cared about anything but themselves. But you showed me humanity still burns in all of us." He drops the gun and sobs. [[Ask Him If He'll Like Your Post on LinkedIn]] Or just back out and [[Go East to the Antenna]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 2) The veteran squints a confused look at you like you're talking garbage. But you explain how to install the app on his phone, how to connect with you, and then how to like your post. Mission accomplished! Before you leave, he asks for the gun again. Now it's time to [[Go East to the Antenna]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 1) You walk right up to the technician and put your leadership skills to work. "Hey, bro! Could you like my post on LinkedIn?" The man blinks at you. "What is wrong with you? Linked In? The whole world will be turned into a ball of slime if you don't get this up there and plug it in!" He hands you the electric device. "It's on their frequency! I'd go myself, but I'm afraid of heights. And I twisted my ankle. And I get nosebleeds because of a brain tumor. Long story." He grabs you by the shoulders and stares into your eyes. "The world is depending on you!" [[Climb the Tower]]

You put one hand over the other and climb the iron ladder on the side of the tower. [[Keep Climbing]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 2) You grab a rock from the dusty ground and clock him on the head. Too bad he was wearing that helmet. He stumbles to the ground, dazed but still conscious. He whispers something and beckons you closer. "Only chance... Take this... I found their frequency... take it to the top and plug it in... our last hope!" He hands you the weird electric device with a USB cord sticking out of it. You take it. Maybe reception will be better at the top of the tower? [[Climb the Tower]]

You keep going up. As you look out across the burning landscape, you see a dark cloud consuming everything. As it gets closer you can see it's not a cloud, but thousands upon thousands of flying tentacled creatures. [[Maybe You Should Keep Climbing]]

You climb higher. The cloud of madness engulfs everything it touches. The wind whips at your skin through your shirt. A stylish yet serious shirt that says you're a man who understands success. [[Success!]]

You reach the top! Those Tony Robbins courses paid off! After a few moments of searching, you find a safety yellow electrical box. You yank it open to find a very obvious USB port. The cloud of screaming aliens are closer now. You can hear their buzzing like a billion bees, each holding an electric fan. You pick up the device. Then you look at your phone. Man, your coverage is GREAT up here. [[Plug in the Device]] [[Take One More Chance to Crush It On LinkedIn]]

(set: $dickrating to $dickrating + 1) (set: $delay to true) You copy the link to your post and text everyone in your "High Return Business Contacts" list. "Hello Everyone! I know we're all real crazy right now, but I think this post is really going to help you get the insights you've really needed to take your business to the next level." You press Send! Maybe you should finally [[Plug in the Device]]

The device lights up. A power surges through the tower. It shakes like a freight train and hums like a hobo behemoth. You're thrown to the deck as a maelstrom of orange and violet opens above you. From around you, black alien screams cut your ears. The multitude of unholy creatures are being sucked toward you. (if: $delay is true) [(link-goto: "But Something is Wrong", "But Something is Wrong")] (else-if: $post is "goodperson") [(link-goto: "But Then Something Amazing Happens", "But Then Something Amazing Happens")] (else-if: $dickrating < 6) [(link-goto: "Hang on For Dear Life", "Hang on For Dear Life")] (else-if: $dickrating >= 6) [(link-goto: "This Could Get Ugly", "This Could Get Ugly")]

Before the bright glowing hole in the sky can open wide enough to suck in all the aliens, one of their slimy tentacled arms grabs you and sinks its fangs into your brain. If only you hadn't stopped that last time to crush it on LinkedIn, you might have survived to crush it another day.

The glowing maelstrom bursts open like a holy light, and the alien swarms are sucked in. There's a sudden calm, you hear only the wind blowing. On the ground, the technician thanks you for posting a warning about the aliens on LinkedIn. It alerted the scientists who kicked into high gear and ultimately made this device. You drive back home, grateful to have a home to go to, but sad this won't help SEO BleedWagon crush it on LinkedIn.

You grip the iron railing, but slimy alien bodies slam into you as they're sucked into the maelstrom above. With a horrible thud, one knocks you loose and you're sucked up with them. Your vision blurs to white. When your eyesight returns, you find yourself drifting in an empty weightless void. In all directions, the floating aliens twist in the null gravity, trapped in the void forever. One drifts close, sticks out a black tentacle, and attaches it to your forehead with a horribly sucking sound. Suddenly you are communicating telepathically Wait, he says straight to your brain, You're that asshole who posted on LinkedIn. (if: $post is "thoughtpiece") [Did you really think posting a thoughtpiece while your world was being consumed would help you?] (else-if: $post is "reacher") [Did you really think posting a picture of you with Jack Reacher while your world was being consumed would help you?] (else-if: $post is "success") [Did you really think posting about your stupid SEO company while your world was being consumed would help you?] (else-if: $post is "alarm") [You tried to warn everyone about us, but you were such a self-promoting dick about it.] He psychically shouts to the other aliens, "Hey! This is the asshole right here!" As they gather around laughing at you, you prepare to spend eternity as the butt of a joke, and with no internet to brag about it on LinkedIn.

You grip the iron railing, but slimy alien bodies slam into you as they're sucked into the maelstrom above. With a horrible thud, one knocks you loose and you're sucked up with them. Your vision blurs to white. When your eyesight returns, you find yourself drifting in an empty weightless void. In all directions, the floating aliens twist in the null gravity, trapped in the void forever. Then a giant dark form hovers over you. A thousand eyes gaze down upon you as a psychic link pierces your brain. "I am the leader of the Zthaki. And you are the huge dick who posted on LinkedIn while we were consuming your world." (if: $post is "thoughtpiece") [Your thoughtpiece has shown me you will make a valuable lieutenant.] (else-if: $post is "reacher") [Your photo of yourself with TV's Jack Reacher has shown me you will make a valuable lieutenant.] (else-if: $post is "success") [Your post about securing the Amish Pancake House as a client has shown me you will make a valuable lieutenant.] (else-if: $post is "alarm") [You tried to warn your fellow humans about us coming, but you were such a self-serving penis about it that you could make a valuable lieutenant.] The boundless form grabs you and stuffs you in what you think might be one of seven million groins. "As your duty will be to clean my netherparts for eternity, a duty that comes with unimaginable pain." As you squeeze into the dark creature's spiked darkparts, you pat yourself on the back. You really Crushed It on LinkedIn, Bro.