Writing Samples

Here’s a link to a half hour sit-com spec I wrote in the not-too-distant past called “The Dick Van Dyke Office.”

For those not in da proverbial biz, a “spec” is a sample script you write to show potential employers that you can actually put words together. Usually this is an episode of a show on the air, but since I thought that might be boring, I decided to wave my privates at convention write a spec for the 60’s classic sit-com, “The Dick Van Dyke Show.” And since I thought even that might be boring, I wrote it in the style of “The Office,” updating the characters a bit, injecting the wisdom about human nature that the passing years has brought me.

The episode is entitled “Rob’s Drunk.” I think you can guess the tone from that.

Enjoy it.

And if you steal it, I’ll burn your house down.

ET_Dick Van Dyke Office

Yes, for those of you who’ve been hiding in a garage in Buffalo, NY for the past, I dunno, nine months, apparently “Invader ZIM” is back on DVD.

The show that gave me my first staff writer job in “Da Biz” (which is short for the German “Das Biznzz”), ZIM will always hold a special place in my dark heart. Yes, I knew at the time that we were getting away with something with a Nickelodeon Cartoon that let me do a story about using time traveling rubber pigs to ruin a hapless child’s life, but I had no idea just how much we were getting away with. Only long years in children’s television has taught me that harsh lesson. (A word to all aspiring screenwriters out there: Never, ever work for pre-school.)

So now I present to you, an Invader ZIM on DVD FAQ!

Q. Is Invader ZIM on DVD?
A. Yes! Yes, it is! Sweet mother of corn, YES!

Q. Where can I get it?
A. Use Google, you cripple. I don’t see a dime from these sales, so I’m not lifting a finger to help Nickelodeon (a subsidiary of the Viacom Corporation) make more money off the sweat of cartoon day-laborers.

Q. Wasn’t this on DVD before?
A. Yes, it was. The rights to release ZIM on DVD were bought for a song, two dead birds and a bag of wasabi grape-nuts by a company called Media Blasters many years ago. The Nickelodeon Rights Squad at the time was reported to have asked, “Why do you want those? The show was a failure.” The same Nickelodeon Rights Squad was later dragged behind an ice cream van as ZIM began to outsell most other Nickelodeon properties.

Q. Are there extras ‘n’ sh*t?
A. I don’t think so. Honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t bought them. I still have my old Media Blasters discs, and it’s not like Nickelodeon goes around giving copies of their shows to old staff writers. I am told, however, that the answer is no. These are bare bones DVDs. In fact, the main menu is just a picture of an empty shed with a few discarded bean cans and newspapers blowing by the open door. There’s also the sound of an orphan crying lonely tears. (All true.)

Q. Where else can I get ZIM?
A. Well, apparently Netflix is streaming the DVDs, so there’s that. You can also buy them on iTunes and carry them with you wherever you go on Apple’s latest iPad or GodBox or whatever new device they’ve bent reality with.

Q. Is Invader ZIM ever coming back with new episodes?
A. No one knows. I was just talking to the former producer of ZIM recently. (Whose name I will withhold for Google search purposes, just in case some exec’s got her on their RSS feed.) She said while there are no plans to revive the show, the higher-ups have taken notice of the interest it’s gotten lately. (I believe a poll on the Nick site had something like 94% of respondents wanting ZIM back, while the other 6% admitted they hate everything good in this world.) She also mentioned that most of the execs who had issues with ZIM have moved on, and the current regime sees it as a missed opportunity, not a cancerous tumor on the orange splotch of joy. So, long story short, anything could happen. Write your local congressman.

Q. So… Um… That’s kind of all I’ve got.
A. Yeah, me too. But just to round things out, I will present to you a .pdf of the first Invader ZIM script I ever wrote as a staff writer: “Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy.” This was the pitch that got me the job.
Invader ZIM: Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy

Oh, and just for laughs, here are a few T-Shirt designs from back in the day that the Nickelodeon marketing department vetoed because they were blind and angry people.